Scrupulosity By Madalynn Fiebiger

Lord–

Countless familial and novel names filled my childhood prayers.

Words followed the same pattern, cadence, and tempo as I recited:

“Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep;

If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.

God bless Mom, Dad, Ali, Emily…” and so forth.

To name is to save, or so I thought. I can’t miss anyone, or they will die.

As if I controlled the outcome and who goes to Heaven, but I may as well try.

Checking off boxes, flooding my mind as I go through nightly rituals.

Lord–

These names were spoken outwardly, while the dates stayed inward.

No one knows of Christ’s exact return; people openly guess through visions.

If I say certain periods of time, they can be held,

And I can spend more time with those I named.

Every day of the month, holidays, school events, and seasons,

Raced my mind, starting closest to the present.

To say a name and save a date gave ease; thus, no final date

As I won’t be the one to decide when the world ends.

Lord–

Night after night, I worried endlessly about legal labels and counting.

If I mispeak or forget, all the work is erased, and the proceeding is redone.

Rationalizing these thoughts, more so fears, shows me as guiltless and powerless.

Similar to many things, it is easier said than done.

Right now, I would rather spend time focusing on the present, on what needs to be done.

Laundry, dishes, homework, exercise, and more are often pushed aside.

As I need to be, not wondering when I or others will die.

I would rather not know or speculate about Christ’s return, as it is not up to me.