One with the Night – Lydia Palmquist

Deep darkness encompassed, encroached, and enforced its power upon the landscape and all who dwell there. Engulfing the sidewalk, road, hillsides, and city, the tenebrific night left nothing untouched. It smothered the branching trees and harnessed the endless sky. The condescending darkness weighed down on everything, including a lone, hooded figure. Silently, the girl trudged through the gloom. Her black hoodie meshed with the impounding void around her. Down the slanted hill through the woods towards the city below, she stepped methodically, but her thoughts ran at full speed. Anxiety ceaselessly afflicted her. Self-loathing bombarded her. Part of her remained optimistic. The inner conflict tore her mind, the three voices loud and persistent. 

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do… 

You must keep moving.

“Why? What’s the point? Nothing helps. You’ve failed.”

There’s still hope. Keep going. Step. Step…

Step. Her boots thudded drearily upon the wide sidewalk through the dark woods. Only one street light cast its white illumination on her surroundings, creating distorted shadows. Eyeing the pavement, she watched her boots hit the cement. Her head was bowed down and her posture sagged. Her shadow, deformed and elongated, inched along in front of her. A few scattered leaves lay in her way. They were crunched under her small feet, fragmenting into smaller and smaller pieces. The shards were broken so they could no longer be reconstructed. To dust they had returned. When she registered what she was seeing, she attempted to avoid the brown crisp leaves, stepping thoughtfully between them. It became a dance with her and the leaves. When the pavement met her boot, she was victorious. When it collapsed upon the foliage, she had failed. 

“You look like an idiot, waltzing around this way.”

You’re an idiot. You’re an idiot. You’re an idiot…

Oh, leave me be. Get it? Leave, leaf?

“You think you’re funny, but you’re not. You’re just a failure.” 

Failure. Failure. Failure…

Don’t be that way. Look, this is a…a… beautiful night. I won’t let you ruin it. Think about the good things. The leaves are so beautiful. 

“They’re broken, just like you.” 

Focus on the positives! We’re trying to be ok, remember? Breathe in this fresh crisp air, isn’t it enlivening?

“It’s cold alright. Cold and dark.”

Sniffling, the girl continued. Tightening the hood around her, she attempted to protect her ears and face from the cold. While her hearing was impaired by the hood, she couldn’t withstand the feeling of the cold. Perhaps she was weak. She shoved her gloved hands deeper into her pockets, trying to warm her fingers. Her hands tried to absorb the warmth of her upper body. Though her feet and legs were thoroughly chilled, it did not compare to the full frontal assault the uncovered portions of her face felt thanks to the frigid air. The slight breeze that wooshed through the trees provided no relief. The cold ate away at her, consuming her limb by limb. It numbed her, but not her thoughts. Shivering slightly, she knew she had to keep moving to stay warm. 

You like walks, remember? Deep breaths it’ll be ok. 

It’s cold. So cold. Always cold. Everything’s cold…

Hush. (I need to distract myself). Look at that tree! You like trees, remember? It’s so tall, it must be the oldest tree in the area. What kind do you think it is? Maybe it’s an oak. You love oaks.

“You’re no expert. You don’t know anything. There are no leaves left on it, how can you tell what it is? It’s so lifeless.” 

It’s not lifeless, it’s just sleeping. It’ll grow leaves again. Soon enough it’ll be spring. It’ll be warm and cheery again.

“It’s too long. There must first be winter. Winter is so dark and cold. There will be no more walks in winter. We’ll be trapped.”

Trapped. Trapped. Trapped…

She kept marching down the hill in time to her anxious thoughts. Eventually, she came to an open space of green grass to her left. To her right, an empty road followed parallel to the sidewalk she traversed. Trees towered along the edges of the grass and the road. Ahead of her, a cat-sized creature shuffled across the open grass, startling her. She heard its movement through the disturbed leaves before she saw it. What little light there was on this dark hill made for a distorted comprehension of reality. She could hardly make out what the creature was. It had paused in its tracks and turned its head toward her. Though her vision was diminished to black and white, she could make out a dark mask on the blob of gray. The thief was angry. It did not want to be caught. She shines her flashlight at it, much to her regret. 

Look at that raccoon! Isn’t it cool? We love animals. 

“What’s that in its mouth? Is that red?”

Red? What could that be?

Blood. Blood. Blood…

“It killed a baby bunny!”

The poor thing! It was just a baby!

“Don’t cry, you’re so weak. Death is a part of life. It’ll come to us all. In a way, the bunny is fortunate. It didn’t have to live a life full of suffering.”

Suffering. Suffering. Suffering… 

It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to mourn…. but I must calm down. The raccoon needs to eat, too. This sort of thing happens.

The raccoon scampered away, its prey held tightly in its mouth. The girl stood there, stunned for a moment. Life had been taken that cold autumn day. Was it a day of death? In the distance, a train cried out, breaking the silence. The world kept on spinning, and so must she. The girl felt the tilt of the hill in her legs as she traveled down the slanted sidewalk that twisted with the form of the land to the city below. Trees branched out above her, most of them bare and seemingly lifeless. Their brilliant bright crown of green lay scattered upon the hillside, now a shriveled mess of browns and dusty yellows. A slight breeze pushed the trees into movement and dragged a few flaky fragments of fallen leaves across the road. The skirting sound they made drew the girl’s attention. Her head twisted violently behind her, wary of potential danger. 

Who’s there? Who’s there? Who’s there?

It’s just the wind and the leaves, calm down.

“You never know what could happen. You never think things through. Who knows what’s out there?”

Please, go away. Can’t we live in this moment? Stop bringing up past and future worries. Appreciate… the grass. Some of it is green and alive, even in the cold. 

“The grass is mostly dead, like the rabbit. There’s always death.” 

Death. Death. Death…

Can’t we just enjoy this night? Look at the sky!

“You can hardly even see the stars, the lights from the city have polluted everything.”

Well, you can still see some of them. It’s dark enough here.  

The girl sank to the ground to observe the expanse above her. No street lights provided their harsh glow on this stretch of the journey. The darkness was as deep as it ever could be when surrounded by civilization. She lay stretched out on the grassy hill near the sidewalk. A half moon faced her and a few brilliantly bright stars managed to bestow their beaming glow. The hillsides around her were quiet, except for the occasional scattering of the leaves. The trees waved their branches above her head, dancing for her alone. If she propped herself up, she could see the lights of the city flickering down below, their overwhelming lights piercing through the darkness. Red traffic lights turned green. Cars moving on the highway appeared like specks in the distance.

Isn’t this nice? The leaves smell good and the ground is comforting. Everything is so still and calm. It’s glorious. Maybe I can be content by myself. 

“It feels cold. Come, let’s keep going…”

Can’t I just enjoy this moment? There’s beauty all around us.

“Which you can’t see because of the darkness.”

Shut up. I don’t want your negativity. Breathe and be calm. Be one with the moment.

“Don’t accuse me. You’re the one causing the turmoil. I just speak the truth. You live in delusion.”

Delusion. Delusion. Delusion…

All I’m looking for is to heal, I’m not delusional! Stop arguing. Focus on the good. Umm… the lights of the city are so cheerful. It’s peaceful here…

I’m anxious. So anxious. Always anxious. 

“Peaceful? Do you even know us?” 

Suddenly, the girl heard a rustling in the leaves. Glancing back, she saw the silhouette of a man in the darkness behind her. It was time to move on. Getting up, she continued her march down the hill. She occasionally looked back, making sure the lone figure wasn’t getting too close. The sidewalk twisted and an intersection with a single street lamp revealed itself. She had two choices, left or right. Either path would take her away from the darkness of the woods. It was the next stage in her journey. Determined, she was ready to take it on, though a part of her questioned whether she should continue. She had come to the residential part of her pilgrimage. Rundown houses lined the street to her left and right. Though the street lights were more prevalent here, it almost made it worse. Her eyes adjusted to the glow of the lamps, but their small circle of influence left ghastly shadows of darkness. The unknowns in the darkness caused unrest in her mind. Her gloved hands fingered her pepper spray, keeping it close.

“Are you scared?”

I have no reason to be. I shouldn’t be.

Fear. Fear. Fear…

Why do I feel this way? 

“You’re weak. Follow my lead.”

Why should I follow you?

“Trust me. It’s for our own good.”

I guess it’s alright… Why am I trusting you? You hurt us. 

“Just pick a direction, left or right?” 

What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?

I don’t like this…

She turned left, walking past rows of decrepit houses. At the next intersection, she resumed her path Northward, down the hill into the city. Glowing steadfastly, a few street lights towered over the intersections. Their pale white beams dutifully covered the road, the sidewalk, and a few yards. Between the intersections, however, huge stretches of the street were left in darkness. Shadows abounded. Most of the light in the neighborhoods came from the porch lights on the homes. As she walked by, she triggered motion-sensored lights. A few houses glowed on the inside, their occupants still active at this late hour. The sidewalk here was narrow and old, cracks like lightning bolts pierced it. A stray cat skirted past from one shadow to the next. Eventually, to her right, she came to the towering brick apartment with an overflowing parking lot. Leaning against the red building, a small group of tattooed men smoked silently. Across the street, a large green space stretched out between the small homes. A few trees and benches were scattered across its expanse and a playground stood at the edge of it. The lamps lit in the park let off a piercingly bright white light that blinded her.

I want to play on the swings!

“How childish! Follow me. We must complete the journey.”

This is just a little walk, remember? It’s important to have fun. That’s the goal of this journey, to find happiness. 

“We’ll find happiness, just follow me. Stop being so annoying. You’re not a child. You’re not good enough. Get back on track. You must keep walking.”

Walking. Walking. Walking…

Please go away. Let me have fun. Let me live my life. 

“No.”

The girl turned toward the swings, jaywalking across the road. Jumping over the curb, she headed to the double swing set. Sitting on the swing, she kept her back to the road and faced the park. The harsh beams of the lamp posts shone on a gnarly tree. Its thick branches reached upward like the fingers of a hand sweeping toward heaven. The bark protruded like veins upon its trunk. As she swung, she noticed that the playground, though it seemed new, hadn’t been played on for a while. Though it was hard to see, she thought she could see a human being sleeping on a bench farther out. The smell of weed lingered in the air. Hearing footsteps, she turned her head. The lone figure who had been following her hardly glanced her way. He continued down the hill on the opposite side of the street and crossed the road, entering the liquor store.

Danger. Danger. Danger… 

 I think we should go back home…

“Where is home? Where do you belong? Guess what? You don’t belong. You only have one option…”

No, this isn’t safe. I don’t want to die. Please stop.

You’re broken. You’re weak. You’re delusional. You’re scared. You’re annoying. You’re childish…

PLEASE STOP!

“You’re a failure.” 

Jumping off of the swing, she began to travel again. Continuing down the hill, she walked past the illuminated liquor store on the opposite side of the street. Now, she was gradually distancing herself from the shady park and traveling farther into the residential area. The homes were small and close together. She could have stood between two of them with her arms outstretched and touched them both. Some of the houses were well kept, others, not so much. She passed a faded house with dark trim. It was likely green but impossible to tell in the dark. Flowers, which now had shriveled and grayed, were bedded together in eternal slumber, nestled in place by a cement brick wall that held all in place. A singular window on the second floor glowed with welcoming light. In a moment, however, it was extinguished as the occupant had gone to bed. Another home drew her attention, its walls were painted tan and its roof was missing shingles. Two of its windows stared at her from under their eyelid-like awnings, expressing tired annoyance. On that same building, another window was boarded up by plywood. There were no signs of life around it.

What am I doing here? Look at all the homes locked up safe for the night. It’s so late, I should be home.

“You must keep going.”

Into the darkness. Into the darkness. Into the darkness…

Please, stop bombarding me. This was supposed to be a healthy walk.

“I know how to fix it.”

No. Let me do it my way. We had our walk, we had our fun. Time to go back.

“I will help you feel better. There will be peace. No more turmoil.”

Will there be peace? I don’t want to be anxious anymore. I don’t want to be weighed down. 

“I’ll take care of that. Keep marching.”

And so she did. Past each dark home, traversing along the narrow sidewalk block by block. Eventually, she reached the heart of the city, the downtown. Instead of houses with small yards, she encountered businesses smushed together in a ridged line. This was the brightest section of her journey, the facades of the businesses were lit up with enough light for their security cameras to identify any trouble. Colorful lights advertised products and establishments. It was almost as bright as daylight, a false commercialized daylight. She walked along the main drag for about a block. An occasional vehicle drove past despite the late hour. The bright headlights flashed in her eyes, blinding her. 

We should come here during the day sometime.

“I know a better place.”

Where are you taking us? 

“We’re almost there, you’ll see.”

I’m tired. Can’t we just go back?

Tired. Tired. Tired…

“You’re so weak and stupid. What’ll happen when we go back? It’ll all be the same, you can’t escape me and Anxiety. Trust me, I can make it better.”

She crossed the busy street between the flow of traffic. She was almost to the river. Clouds had drifted in, blanketing away any star that would have poked through the sky saturated with city light. Walking to the back of the businesses, she followed the sidewalk against a towering old brick building. The lights from the main drag no longer reached these corners. Cautiously, she approached the corner of the back of the building. Who knew what was there in the darkness? Fortunately, nothing was there but a parking lot, nearly empty. The backs of the other businesses could be seen in a jagged line, some extending outwards farther than others. Past the parking lot, a spray-painted cement wall surrounded a scrap yard. Old tires and metal remains were barely visible over the vandalized wall. Then, she came to the railroad tracks. Hardly any light illuminated this stretch. A few railroad cars sat empty on the tracks. There were many shadows and corners and crevices, many unknowns. Past the railroad tracks, she came to another park. To the left, a picnic shelter stood. A few bright light posts burst forth around her. In front of her, the river flowed. Its gray mass appeared still and steadfast in the night. 

The river. The river. The river…

“We’re almost there! Are you excited?”

As long as it stops, please. 

“I only speak the truth about who you are.”

I don’t know what to believe. 

“You’re not good enough. You’re a failure. I have the proof. All the experiences, all the examples, I’ll show you. They’ll flash through your mind.”

Please stop. I know I’ve messed up. I just want you to go away. I don’t want to keep thinking. I just want peace. 

Cautiously, she approached the river and gazed across it. In the trees on the distant shore, an owl hooted its deep lonesome call. She stood at the top of the bank over the boulders. The familiar darkness engulfed her by the river. No lights lined the asphalt path. The only light came from the sparkling city upstream. The black paved path against a towering wall of concrete led her forward. She was heading upstream, to the end. To her right, boulders covered the bank, a gentle gray sheen gave them distinction in the darkness. It was so quiet. Not a single person was there. She sunk to the ground, her back to the cement wall, and sat there. She was too exhausted to cry. The night was late. Her feet and legs hurt from walking. The air was cold. She curled up in a ball and snuggled deeper into her black hoodie. Alone, she looked upstream to her destination. A bridge stretched out over the river, its shadow shaking in the watery reflection.

I’m so anxious. This isn’t healthy. I should call someone. 

“Don’t do it! You’re so weak! We can get through this alone.”

Weak. Weak. Weak…

I don’t know…

“You’re not that bad off. Other people have it so much worse.”

I’m done arguing with you. I’m calling her.  

Shakily, she picked up the phone and searched for the name. Pausing for a moment, she considered whether she should do it or not. Her thoughts were in turmoil. Decidedly, she hit the call button. It rang. Her thoughts raced in anticipation, and her breathing quickened. 

What do we say?

“We lie and tell her everything is fine. We ask her how she’s doing, have a small conversation, and then hang up.”

That won’t help anything! 

“We can’t trust anyone with this. We’ll just hurt them and then we’ll be completely alone.”

Alone. Alone. Alone…

What’s the use of having friends if we can’t trust them? 

“I don’t know. Good thing we don’t have many. It’s better when we’re alone.”

I don’t want to be alone. The phone is still ringing. What do we do? 

“If she doesn’t answer, we keep walking. Eventually, she’ll notice we called, but it’ll be too late.”

Too late? What do you mean? 

A cheerful voice broke the silence, “Hi! This is Julia. I’m sorry, I can’t answer the phone at the moment. I’ll call you back as soon as I can. Feel free to leave a message and let me know what’s up! Thanks!” Then, a mechanical tone sounded. The girl hung up the phone, dejected.

“Look, she didn’t answer, it’s gone to voicemail. It’s probably better that way. It’s time to go on. Trust me.” 

How can I trust you? You’re avoiding my questions. What do you mean, ‘it’ll be too late’?

“I know how to silence it. I know what will calm you down.”

I’m fine. I’m really ok, I think. You’re just confusing me. We should head back. It’s too late, we’re not thinking straight.

“You’re right, it is too late.”

She got up and continued her march down the asphalt, up the steps, and to the center of the bridge. It was a peaceful walk, a nice night. A frigid wind danced across her pale face. The air was cold but alive. The darkness was deep, but speckled with light. She knew she would never forget that night. It welcomed her. There she stood, towering over the black-as-ink river. She stared out at the sky, the city, and the night. Looking down at the gray waters, she knew what she must do. The night welcomed her with open arms. And then, her phone rang.